Wednesday, October 8, 2008
I have been doubting my abilities.
Ever since I started working some 10 years ago, my work has been appreciated. I have been told that I am sincere, committed and pay attention to detail. My superiors have always loved having me in their team. I have been given tasks with the confidence that I will complete it on time and with quality. The current job has been no exception. The latest compliment I received from my big boss, the VP, was that the company needs clones of me!!!
But recently, I started doubting if my way was the best way after all.
Like I mentioned in one of my earlier posts, I have a challenging assignment coming up. It is challenging because it is outside the scope of my current profile and hence I have not been trained for it and I have not done it before. I know I can do it with some extra preparation from my side. But the problem is that for me to do my work well, there are some dependent tasks that someone else has to do. Also, even if not a formal training, I need someone to answer my questions and clear my doubts while I do my preparation. This has not been planned. No one has been planned for any of this. The reasons for this is manifold and not worth going into here... let us just say ignorance and a lot of politics!
So what has been happening is that I have to use my personal relationships with people and my inherent charm to get any help! I tell you, it is exasperating! It is just not fair that I have to be begging and waiting for the things that I feel is my right to have! But unfortunately, the other people are also justified in doing what they are doing...and me being born into this zodiac sign that stands for justice, cannot help but see that.
My experience has been that however tough is the task at hand, if you prepare well for it and remember God, you come out successful. This has been my experience right from school to this day. It is another matter that I prepare only just in time for the task. But I prepare all right! I don't know if I am right...I could just be very lucky.
But in this case, I had started feeling quite helpless! And if I am not prepared for the task, I get tense and worried. I am not one of those cool guys who just walk in ready to face anything that happens. I started thinking that I probably should be like that! My husband also said that sometimes you just have to be cool and stop wanting to be perfect in everything that you do. I felt that maybe he was right...maybe I should just stop worrying and trying to get help and do what I can with what I have.
But I was not able to stop worrying and so what I have been doing is to make the best use of what I have. Do whatever I can do on my own or get help from what little sources I have available.
But now things have slowly started falling into place. I have been able to get my hand on the product set up that I am going to use and do some testing on it. It will not be complete till the moment I start my work but still I have started feeling better. And yesterday the very people who were unable to help me were surprised that I had been doing my preparation with whatever limited resources I have and even paid me a compliment saying they wished they had more people like me in the team. It did not make me feel good but at least I was glad to know that my way is not totally wrong!
Personally also, I think this experience has helped me. I have found out who my real friends are. I know now who would help me for my sake and who would only do things if they have an advantage in doing it. Even when it comes to work, it is nice to have friends on whom you know you can depend.
It certainly doesn't help matters that to complete this task, I have to travel to another country and stay there for 10 days leaving my family to fend for themselves. I haven't stayed away this long before leaving the father and daughter alone. For all I know, though he doesn't lift a little finger when I'm around, he is going to do a better job than me when I'm gone. Men are like that! :) I hope they don't learn to manage without me... I like to feel needed and important!
So, finally, what all this rambling amounts to is that I'm off on this official trip starting next week...and will be away for a few days! Will let you all know how it went once I get back!